Thursday, February 23, 2012

A couple of things...

First of all, let me say thanks for all the nice comments about my flower made using ovals.  You all are so sweet!  It just gives me the warm fuzzies to read your comments.  =)  I had several questions on how I assembled the flower, so I will be working on a tutorial this weekend and hope to have that up soon for you guys.  If you're not sure what I'm talking about, it's the card from this post.

Warning - The next section has nothing to do with paper or cards, so if you're not interested, please feel free to stop reading now!

I wanted to share something personal with you.  Recently, I've started back on the Weight Watchers program.  Let me stop here and and say, if you are someone who doesn't have to battle with the scale, you are very blessed!  And I'm totally envious!  I was not born with the "skinny gene" or whatever you'd like to call it.  It's always been a struggle for me and the last few years, I haven't fought it very well at all. Until recently, I had stuck my head in the sand over this out of embarrassment, shame, guilt and disgust with myself. 

For most of my adult life, I've hated the way I look and feel.  I've tried a gazillion ways to lose weight (can anyone say cabbage soup?  I can't even eat cabbage now without gagging!) and have been successful for a short period of time.  It's embarrassing to admit all the silly things I've tried in hope of reaching that seemingly unattainable goal.  A few months ago, after trying to find some new pants and being unhappy with every pair I tried on, I had a meltdown in the car in the parking lot.  My husband and I sat there and had a long talk and I think for the first time - out loud - I admitted just how I really felt about this weight thing.  I know my husband, family and friends love me and accept me for what I am, but I had never trusted them with my feelings on this issue.  I have a type A personality and this has been the one thing that I've completely failed at, every time I've tried, and that's really hard to accept.  So....after my meltdown, I've come to a few conclusions...

1) I am not a diet.  I want to change my lifestyle.  Forever.  If it's not forever, I'll go back to the same habits and be in the same boat I'm in now.  When I say "DIET", I swear to you I automatically want everything I can't have!  Do you have that problem?  I know that the main things that got me here are Dr. Pepper (Oh, sweet nectar of heaven) and snacks instead of regular meals (I don't really like grown up food - give me some Goldfish crackers and I'm happy).  Instead of thinking "I can't have that until I'm off this diet", I now think "I can have that occasionally so I don't sabotage the other days".  It's all in how you think about it.  I have good days and bad days.  Today is a rough one! 

2) Being a failure goes right along with being a human.  We have all failed many times in our lives.  And as much as I love for things to be perfect (Hello, Type A!), I am not nor will I ever be perfect.  I now believe the reason for my failures in the past is because I see things very black and white and it's all or nothing for me.  When I've messed up before, I just quit because I failed.  No more of that for me!  I say this through clenched teeth.....It's OK to mess up!  You just have to get back up and keep going.

3)  Sharing my struggles with others is pretty therapeutic.  In my efforts to not burden others with my problems/failures/issues, I've kept alot inside that needed to come out!  I will no longer do that.  I decided yesterday that I'm going to keep a journal through this process.  I am not much of a writer, but now I'm thinking it may really help.  We'll see.

4)  I have to learn to accept me for who I am.  I am not very fond of myself.  I never have been.  I tend to worry so much about perfection that I am super critical of everything I do and I try to please everyone.  I will never please everyone.  NEVER.  And it's OK to be me, with all of my faults and quirkiness (there's plenty of that!).  I am learning, slowly, that God made me the way I am for a reason and it's quite an insult to him to complain about myself all the time!

Now, I realize that most of you follow my blog to see cards and paper crafts, and not hear about my weight issues.  I promise to not burden you with this very often.  I just wanted to share so that those of you out there with the same struggle will know that you're not alone - I'm here with ya!  I hadn't intended on rambling on forever, so I apologize that this is so lengthy!  If any of you are on a similar journey, I would love to hear your thoughts, tips, tricks or just ramblings. 

Have a blessed day!